Monday, August 28, 2006
An aching womb
It was at that time that the dr. asked me THREE times "are you sure you want to go through with this procedure?"
And I said yes. Three times.
Three times. Three children. Enough was enough for my body, I thought.
But today, a good online friend of mine just told me that she is expecting another baby.
Another good online friend is expecting baby number 5 at the beginning of next week.
It is times like these that I want to be pregnant again. I want another baby in my life.
My niece is expecting her first child at the end of January, and I am hoping to get my hands on that baby whenever I can.
But ... it isn't the same. I want to nurse, and nurse successfully. I should have taken the hint of the personality yet to come when the Monkey would pull off of me, screeching because she wasn't getting her milk the way she wanted it.
I want to cloth diaper another bum. I want to buy tiny diapers, and wash them, and fold them, and pull them out all over again, to use all over again. To get that satisfaction that I am not throwing my dipes in the landfills.
I want to knit small woolies again.
So there are times, like now, when I wonder if I made the right choice. It is hard to be the one who has to constantly live with that choice. When we were on our way up to the appointment where we would learn that my BP was 180/110 and learn that the Monkey was breech position and not moving from that position, Ace and I discussed his options. He turned pale white when the dr. mentioned the word scalpel. But it turned out that I would be the one undergoing the knife, and it only seemed appopriate that I be the one to have the "procedure."
And now I feel like I have cheated our family. I have always had the feeling that I could have four children. That this is a four kid family. That the Monkey needs a younger sibling. That the Man deserves a shot at being one of two boys in the family. That feeling of not being completely fulfilled.
It is hard for me to be the one who bears that. It is hard for me to admit that I am the one who can no longer bear children. I have a lot to work through, I guess.
I just didn't didn't think I would be feeling this way three years post op.
I'm a mom of three peeps ... Queen Bee, The Door Man, and the Chandelier Monkey, and wife to Ace, the Helpful Hardware Man. I created this space to get away from the people known as my inlaws, and because life with three kids and a hubby is all Unexplored Territory.
All that pot and kettle stuff...