Monday, August 28, 2006

An aching womb

When I was pregnant with the Chandelier Monkey, I had a feeling that she was it for me. I was on bedrest (well, ok ... MY version of bedrest with two very active little kids in the house) with the Monkey, and she was born at 37 weeks at a whopping 4 pounds 13 ounces. It was all because I had some high blood pressure issues, and her placenta just stopped nourishing her at some point. The doctor even commented that she was glad she "took her" when she did because of the state of her placenta.

It was at that time that the dr. asked me THREE times "are you sure you want to go through with this procedure?"

And I said yes. Three times.

Three times. Three children. Enough was enough for my body, I thought.

But today, a good online friend of mine just told me that she is expecting another baby.

Another good online friend is expecting baby number 5 at the beginning of next week.

It is times like these that I want to be pregnant again. I want another baby in my life.

My niece is expecting her first child at the end of January, and I am hoping to get my hands on that baby whenever I can.

But ... it isn't the same. I want to nurse, and nurse successfully. I should have taken the hint of the personality yet to come when the Monkey would pull off of me, screeching because she wasn't getting her milk the way she wanted it.

I want to cloth diaper another bum. I want to buy tiny diapers, and wash them, and fold them, and pull them out all over again, to use all over again. To get that satisfaction that I am not throwing my dipes in the landfills.

I want to knit small woolies again.

So there are times, like now, when I wonder if I made the right choice. It is hard to be the one who has to constantly live with that choice. When we were on our way up to the appointment where we would learn that my BP was 180/110 and learn that the Monkey was breech position and not moving from that position, Ace and I discussed his options. He turned pale white when the dr. mentioned the word scalpel. But it turned out that I would be the one undergoing the knife, and it only seemed appopriate that I be the one to have the "procedure."

And now I feel like I have cheated our family. I have always had the feeling that I could have four children. That this is a four kid family. That the Monkey needs a younger sibling. That the Man deserves a shot at being one of two boys in the family. That feeling of not being completely fulfilled.

It is hard for me to be the one who bears that. It is hard for me to admit that I am the one who can no longer bear children. I have a lot to work through, I guess.

I just didn't didn't think I would be feeling this way three years post op.


Blogger Melissa said...

I know how you feel. Exactly how you feel. I made that same decision 8 months ago, and I'm still grieving it. My *head* knows that 4 is enough and that my body can't take another, but like you, my *heart* wants to smell another baby head and buy teeny diapers.
((((big, big hugs)))))

5:06 PM  
Blogger Pass The Torch said...

Hmmmm. Tough feelings to face. Melissa is right - the head and the heart say different things to us sometimes.

Hang in there...

7:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think a lot of women feel that way afterwards.

I also made that decision. And I always saw myself with three. Eventually I got that third, he just isn't biologically mine.

9:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would encourage other readers to visit this site:

Please learn about Natural Family Planning. It is safe, easy, highly effective (more so than the pill or barrier methods). And of course, it is completely reversible at a moment's notice.

I don't bring it up to condemn you, Knitting Maniac, but in the interest of telling your readers about their other options.

10:56 PM  
Blogger Knitting Maniac said...

Ummm.... thanks?

11:20 PM  
Blogger Mamacita Tina said...

I go back and forth on wanting more kids. Things seem to be happening to my body that make me think it's probably not the best idea to get pregnant again. Heavy sigh. I just need to look at the two I've got and be grateful. Babies...they are definitely something special!

12:47 AM  
Blogger Elleoz said...

I too can totally relate. I had always said that I wanted two kids. That's it, just two. My children are 15 months apart so at the time after my son's birth I thought I was good with the decision. Hubby had the "procedure" and I have regretted it ever since.

Big hugs!

3:10 PM  
Anonymous Christie said...

awww Mere, hugs to you. You know what I miss the most? That incredible feeling of having a baby inside of me. And it took a long time for me to stop grieving about not having the "ideal" newborn experience with N, since we were so worried about all of his issues. I felt that I wasn't able to properly enjoy him being a baby. And then one day it hit me that we are pretty darn lucky. He is happy and healthy, and that's alot more than some people get. There's no guarantee's. And you know what? I can totally see you adopting/being a foster mom. You are such a giving person. Hang in there!

6:25 PM  

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The Lovely She, that is me!

I'm a mom of three peeps ... Queen Bee, The Door Man, and the Chandelier Monkey, and wife to Ace, the Helpful Hardware Man. I created this space to get away from the people known as my inlaws, and because life with three kids and a hubby is all Unexplored Territory.

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The nine-year-old who seems to be growing older every minute, has an opinion and a comment for everything, and has a true servant's heart.
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