Monday, March 26, 2007


One of the things you learn when you have sung as much as I have (all throughout my high school and college careers, performing things like the Messiah and going out on "tour" on a few occasions) is that you never. ever. wear. perfume.


It has an affect on people who can't handle fragrances where it will make them physically ill. And you would never want to be the cause of someone passing out or, worse yet, throwing up on stage.

I stopped wearing perfume when I was pregnant with the Queen. I could not handle the smell. It made my ILL. I would throw up at the drop of a hat with her pregnancy, and that just made matters MUCH worse. So I stopped wearing it then and never picked it back up. Does it make me ill now? Nope. Just don't wear it myself.

However, there is one person in our church choir who it does bother.

We receive these little perfume PSAs every once in a while. Please, don't wear perfume or cologne on stage. Please refrain from wearing any fragrance of ANY kind. Blah blah blah.

Ok. I get it. I have gotten it. Since high school, people.

About a month or so ago, we get an email from our choir director ... you know, the one that doesn't like me for oh so many reasons ... reminding us not to wear perfume or cologne because someone "almost had to come down off the platform on Sunday" because of an allergic reaction to someone's perfume.

Hmmm... ok. Wasn't me, and I didn't hear any complaints out of our "side" (the altos and tenors). So I think that we are in the clear.

Well, apparently not. The following week, we get another email, telling us to PLEASE not wear perfume or cologne because this same person had ANOTHER reaction this week.

Well ok ... someone please define "reaction" to me. We never really heard.

Certainly there was some sort of criminal intent going on here. Certainly we could go to the prosecutor's office and seek justice! There was a cologne conspiracy going on, and if we played our cards right, we could probably bring RICO charges as well.

As if the email wasn't enough, we had to read it in our little choir update sheet that following week.

The exact wording was "PLEASE remember not to wear any cologne or perfume on stage because we almost lost one of our own last weekend."

Well there you go. That is it. Analphylactic shock for certain! I mean, when you say lost to me, I take it in the strictest sense of the term.

Here's where we get to the part where I prove myself to be the biggest pain in my choir director's ass: I raised my hand and asked:

Now, when you say lost, do you mean like "lost" lost, as in analphylactic shock lost, or "almost" coming down off the platform again?

Well he didn't mean "die" lost ... no. That wasn't what he meant.

So I told him to not use colloquial terms. This elicted a guffaw from the ONE person in choir who "gets" my humor, and we took it to the obnoxius degree of discussing strict liability and burdens of proof.

This is why he doesn't like me.

We receive an email from him the following day, apologizing for taking this thing too far. His wife and a friend told him that enough was enough, and he was going to allow the section leaders to handle the stiuation. We never heard from ours, which further proved to me that it wasn't our side.

Our director CALLED the soprano section leader AT WORK (she is a first grade teacher so those of you who are or were teachers know what a PITA it is to take a phone call at work) and told her she needed to handle the situation in her section. Needless to say, she was LIVID!

Do you know what it ended up being?

Not Obsession. Not Drakar. Not Old Spice. Not even Love's Baby Soft.

It was ..... DUM DUM DUM....

SHAMPOO! Worn by the person standing next to this anal retentive, completely over the top, she puts the "d" in drama soprano ... no, not the diva soprano ... the soprano who some of you know as a good friend's MIL.

Give. Me. A. BREAK!

So from now on, if you are ever attending my church and smell something ... that would be the body odor of the choir members because apparently we can't even SHOWER or someone is going to go off the deep end.

Don't get me wrong ... I KNOW that people have reactions. But really ... for this woman, this "reaction" could be watering eyes. Or a runny nose. Coming from anyone else, I would take the claims as substantial. Coming from her, not so much.

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Anonymous Jacque said...

Oh my gosh you are seriously cracking me up!!!! criminal intent...I about peed myself. The drama oh the drama!!!!!

8:45 AM  
Anonymous jenn said...

oh my heck, that's hilarious!

some people are WAY over the top. Although my mom did have a friend who was very allergic to anything with orange in it. I guess it would cause immediate vomitting and she did have to leave a couple of groups, because seriously you can't just have people puking in the middle of a show.

how much more gross would that be?

In this case though don't you think if you almost "lost" someone you would all notice it? *sigh* some people's kids!

4:12 PM  
Anonymous kailani said...

ROFL! Some people are just not happy unless they're complaining.

7:00 PM  
Blogger The "Mind" said...

Honestly, it would be easier to remove the drama soprano and get on with life. I say you all stage an uprising and wear conflicting scents of all sorts. You know, boost her immunity so that when she smells someone's shampoo she'll be like, all thankful and stuff.

Man, I'm mean aren't I?

I'm suffering from the first-day-back-at-work- after-two-weeks-off blues.

7:32 PM  
Anonymous Robin said...

Come on come on come on! The drama of choir! I am amazed by the craziness!
I bet the cd's wife helps him dream up stuff..can't you just see them at home?
"yeah, yeah, honey, say that, that sounds really tough"
little man gets him every time!

6:46 AM  
Blogger Knitting Maniac said...

OMG ROBIN!!! Oh just the thought of them sitting at home, coming up with those statements ... oh that is priceless!!

And my mother and I were JUST talking about the LMS aspect of it all. My Mom gets pissed off at him when he HAS to have the last word of the service. Every. Single. Time. Even though he had the pastor close out service on Sunday with prayer, he STILL had to close us out in song. During our service, everyone just left.... wonder if he got the message?

7:04 AM  

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