Sunday, June 18, 2006

Baptizing the bathroom

When I saw that penis on the ultrasound for the first time, I was thrilled. Adding a boy to the mix of our family excited me to no end. Boy Scouts, Matchbox cars, and baseball games were in our future.

What they didn't tell me was in my future were times of urine soaked socks as I trapsed into the bathroom after the Door Man had used the facility.

"What the HELL is this on the floor?" I exclaimed loudly.

"Oh yeah... the Man seems to have a problem with hitting the toilet" explained Ace.

"THIS is why I told you NOT to teach him how to pee standing up!" I shouted back.

"Well, he can't SIT like a ....a ... GIRL, you know!!!" Ace yelled back.

"Sure he can. He screams like one, let him sit like one!"

Thinking that this was a "phase" that we had to overcome (because you know, my DAD doesn't pee on the floor, and neither does Ace), I would spray the floor with disinfectant, vowing to make the Door Man clean up after himself after this.

If you have ever seen the Door Man in action, no way would you put bathroom cleanser in his hands, telling him to spray the pee. So that didn't work.

After months of dealing with this, I decided to follow the Man into the bathroom on one of his visits.

"What are you doing, Mommy?"

"Nothing. Go about your business."

The Door Man pulls his pants down, assumes the position, starts to pee, and then TURNS AROUND to ask me why I was standing behind him. Pee sprayed in all directions as he was carrying on his one-sided conversation with me.

So I decided that the key was to not offer any distractions to the Door Man when he peed. That didn't help. He carried on conversations with his imaginary friends when he didn't have anyone else to talk to.

The other day, I heard the noises of a hand-held game that Ace uses to cajole his bodily functions to occur. I wondered who was playing with it, and decided that I should go check.

Sure enough, there is the Door Man doing his business with the game in BOTH hands, and he is pushing all the buttons on it, exclaiming "look at me! I'm peeing AND playing a game at the same time!"

I just hope that I have this boy trained by the time I have to turn him over to his future wife. If not, I will be sure to give her a roll of paper towels, some Scrubbing Bubbles, and a lifetime supply of flip flops to wear into the bathroom. She won't understand at first, but she will.


Blogger Karen Rani said...

Cheerios! Throw them in the toilet, and tell him to try and aim for the middles of the O's.....great story for his future wife...ha ha!

10:41 PM  
Blogger Knitting Maniac said...

Oh Karen ... if it could only be that easy. He would probably bend OVER to get a look at the Cheerios!

7:56 AM  
Blogger Kel said...

LMAO! We have the same issue with Little Man. Finally one day I looked at Chief and told him to go disenfect the bathroom. LOLOLOLOL

I'll go and buy flip flops with you....they'll come in handy for the wives of both of my boys.

11:06 AM  
Blogger Tense Teacher said...

And to think, I complain when my daughter doesn't wipe well enough and dribbles a little on the seat... You make me very thankful for my little girl.

11:37 AM  
Blogger The "Mind" said...

Just passing through and LOVE what I've read so far, so I have added you to my favorites.

Oh, oh, I can so relate! I have three boys, yes, three. I have decided with boys that it is absolutely necessary to: 1. Get them their own bathroom, 2. Make them clean it themselves (of course, mine are older, but they clean a mean toilet), and 3. Replace the toilet seat OFTEN.

But I do have one that is required to sit down to pee because (even at age 14) he couldn't hit the water to save his soul.

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Snuff said...

oh dear, that is hilarious. I've yet to face this situation, my boy is still in naps (16 mnths old).

8:58 PM  

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The Lovely She, that is me!

I'm a mom of three peeps ... Queen Bee, The Door Man, and the Chandelier Monkey, and wife to Ace, the Helpful Hardware Man. I created this space to get away from the people known as my inlaws, and because life with three kids and a hubby is all Unexplored Territory.

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