Thursday, June 29, 2006

Oh who are the people in your neighborhood?

This situation is nothing like the Sesame Street song, though.

We have a pretty laid back neighborhood. I am sure it is because a majority of the residents have lived here since it was plotted back in the 60s.

First, there is our divorced neighbor. There was a point in time when he had a fiancee. His house was on the market. They were getting married. And then, all of a sudden, she was gone. No sign of her at all. We wondered if he had run her off. Then there was that time last year during the Fourth fireworks when we thought he was gay. There was a man he hung out with ... a LOT ... and they ... hugged ... after the fireworks were over. We came to find out that the man was his brother. We really wanted something seedy to be going on. But it wasn't.

Then there is DA next door. DA is known to run his damn leaf blower for one leaf. One. When I was in the hospital having the Door Man, my mother went out and gave him the Sicilian Hairy Eyeball because he was blowing all of his leaves over into our yard. He is just a piece of work sometimes. He isn't TOO bad. We could have much worse.

Then there is the man who has abandoned his house but won't raze it and sell the land to one of the adjacent property owners. This house was infested with feral cats, but they have since died from starvation or heart attacks when Ace trapped them in our garage and threw rocks at them. It kind of reminded me of the scene in Steel Magnolias when the father was out shooting at the birds in the trees to get them to leave. This house is nasty. I would hate to have it as my immediate neighbor house. We have a joke: you know when it is spring when the house blooms. Ivy all over. Yuck.

Then there is the nosey neighbor. He knows EVERYone. And his reputation precedes him. EVERYone knows Bill. Bill was one of the first ones here to welcome us to the neighborhood. When a company across the street was talking about building a new office suite, he was the first to be at our house, rallying us behind his ideals and making me be the spokesperson for our neighborhood at city council (and a lot of good THAT did ... we now have a new office suite across the street from us).

Bill also loves garage sales. And he will buy one thing. A few years ago, he bought a CD/radio from us. Keeps it in his basement. Still works. We hear about it every single time we have a garage sale. Tonight, who shows up? Bill. He decides he is special enough that he can take an early bird tour of the sale. Of course I let him because, like a said, I'm a pushover.

Bill is always so in the know, and he can't stand not knowing something.

A few years ago, Ace ran an errand. Well, Ace forgot to put his new stickers on his plates, so on his way home, a police officer stopped him. Right. In. Front. Of. Our. House. Lights flashing, nighttime. Who drives by? Bill.

Ace comes in, recounts the story (his plates had expired, and the officer asked if he knew me ... and then proceeded to tell Ace that my license had been expired for six months ... WTH? uhhh... thanks?) and then informs me ... Bill drove by and gawked at the scene.

The next night, the phone rings and I just so happen to answer it. I should have looked at the id...

Hey ... this is Bill. How are you doing?

Fine Bill (knowing full well why he had called .. he NEVER calls us). What can I do for you?

Hey ... insert small talk about the office suite that was under construction at the time. By the way...


Well, we were on our way home from the concert in the park last night, and we noticed the police car. Is everything ok?

Well Bill ... I didn't want to have to tell you this but Ace is an illegal. His visa had expired about 3 years ago, and they finally caught up with him. He is being deported.

Uh huh .... silence.

Having that gut feeling that he might have bought that cockamamie story, I told him the truth ... he had murdered a mallard (we live right across the street from a river) and I was afraid the plants would be next.

So, sometimes it is nice to know everyone in your neighborhood. However, it isn't nice to know EVERYone in your neighborhood.


Anonymous Jacque said...

oh my gosh!!! you crack me up! Did you really tell the guy that Ace was an illegal? That's hysterical. I can't believe he called you!!!! I mean that took some cahones. I guess curiosity was about to kill the feral cat....oops different neighbor. Ok and nothing strikes more fear in me than the words "feral cat." I'm like a closet cat-a-phobe. There I made up a disorder. I mean I walk into someones house that has a cat and I'm totally in a panic that the thing is going to lunge on me. My college buddy had this crazy little attack kitten that must have smelled the fear when I would walk in the room. She'd stalk me and then attack my ankles. I'm sweating just thinking about it! Alrighty then. talk later

12:44 AM  
Blogger The "Mind" said...

Can I say how much I enjoyed your neighborly post. *says the woman with one of THE most annoying neighbors on the face of the earth*

Bill is the kind of guy that would build a five foot high privacy fence, right? That way he can still keep an eye on everyone else.

9:48 AM  
Blogger Knitting Maniac said...

Sue, yes he would ... but that would still be five feet that he couldn't see! ;)

12:08 PM  

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The Lovely She, that is me!

I'm a mom of three peeps ... Queen Bee, The Door Man, and the Chandelier Monkey, and wife to Ace, the Helpful Hardware Man. I created this space to get away from the people known as my inlaws, and because life with three kids and a hubby is all Unexplored Territory.

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The nine-year-old who seems to be growing older every minute, has an opinion and a comment for everything, and has a true servant's heart.
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