Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Odorific!

Lucinda's (Suburban Turmoil) discussion about her fear of flying is a must read. Now, I won't be a copycat and discuss my fear of flying. I will, however, discuss this thing that happened one time...

Or things. Just depends on how long my mother can stand watching my kids this morning.

My last flight experience was a year ago in April. I had to go to home-base (but not the mother ship ... two totally different locations) for a little "can we see what the Maniac looks like" trip... it kinda goes hand in hand with making sure I hadn't been using one of those drinking birds to do my work, or that I had a well-trained monkey tapping away at this keyboard. Although, I have been looking into that monkey ...

I boarded the plane in our state capital, and touched down "technically" in a city that it would have taken about 2 hours more to get to. I say technically because the Cinci airport, although touted as being in Ohio, is indeed in the fine Bluegrass state ... check it out sometime. Yeah... like THAT is newsbreaking material.

When I arrived in Cinci, I headed for a plane that was smaller than what I had already been on, but it wasn't the smallest I have EVER been on. That one was in Charleston, WV where there is a mountain at the end of the runway. No joke. Literally a MOUNTAIN! Ok...not like the Rockies, but for those of us who live in the flattest part of nation, any bump on the geography looks like Pike's Peak. Imagine what Pike's Peak looks like to us.

Anywho... I digress...

I boarded the plane, and I sat in front of two local yokels. I am not certain they had ever flown before in their lives. I was treated to their exclamations... you know the ones you have heard before if you are a semi-seasoned flyer:

Gee, I sure hope the pilot has his glasses on today.

Wow! We get peanuts AND chips on this flight.

Oh man ... that was the worst bump ever ... I thought the oxygen masks would fall out of the overhead compartment.

Look at how small everything is down there... let's open the door and go look!

Hey ... is the smoking section out on the wing? How do I get out there.

I tried my best to ignore them as I sat there knitting.

At one point, I started hearing this noise. It sounded like the cabin was depressurizing. I kept hearing it over and over again in intervals. Finally it became too much of a pattern. I then turned around, and there are the yokels, playing a gameboy basketball game, and it was the sound of the "crowd" cheering.

In front of me was a woman who was trying desperately hard to remain asleep, and after a while I could understand why. The man beside her, and right in front of me, had TERRIBLE gas. And not the tooting kind ... the burping kind.

It was awful! I don't know WHAT he had for lunch, but I could smell it and it was just nasty!

So I am trying my best to ignore the yokels behind me and the noxious gases in front but when the two met, it was a moment in history that I will never forget.

The gaseous odors started wafting back further but by this time, I was starting to get used to it. We started our descent, and one of the flight crew walked by the yokels.

Yokel 1 grabs the attendant and says "Hey! What's for dinner?"

Did I forget to mention that the yokels thought it was their civic duty to entertain the entire back half of the plane? So you can well imagine the volume.

The attendant looks puzzingly at him and says "I'm sorry. Dinner?"

At this very moment, I knew what they were talking about, but I wasn't going to interject anything ... yet.

Yokel 2: "Yeah ... is the pilot having something good for dinner, because it sure smells GOOD! Is he gonna share?"

Attendant: "I am sorry sir... there is no food on this flight."

Yokel 1: "Are you sure because it sure smells like we are having some sorta chicken dinner!"

Attendant: "No, I assure you, there is no food on this flight other than what we gave to you earlier."

Yokel 2: "Hmmm... coulda sworn I smelled dinner."

I had to say something. But that made matters worse.

Me, in a hushed tone: "Psst... it is this guy in front of me."

Yokel 1: "Well, what does HE have for dinner?"

Me: "NOTHING! He is belching ... THAT is what you are smelling!"

Yokel 2: "MAN! Someone needs to get him some TUMS!"

I sank down into my seat, hoping the gentleman in front of me didn't hear. I thought for sure he hadn't until we got off the plane and he turned around.

"It was chicken and broccoli."

2 Comments:

Anonymous Snuff said...

Ahahahaaaaa! priceless

8:50 PM  
Blogger Mamacita Tina said...

HA! At least he had a sense of humor!

Thanks for the story! Came across it from the 100th celebration. Looking forward to reading more.

7:57 AM  

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I'm a mom of three peeps ... Queen Bee, The Door Man, and the Chandelier Monkey, and wife to Ace, the Helpful Hardware Man. I created this space to get away from the people known as my inlaws, and because life with three kids and a hubby is all Unexplored Territory.

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